Welcome to The Victoria Volkswagen Club!

     Navigation
· Home
· About
· Our Sponsors
· Classifieds
· Contact Us
· Forums
· Photo Gallery
· Info
· Private Messages
· Your Account

     Login
Nickname

Password

Don't have an account yet? You can create one. As a registered user you have some advantages like theme manager, comments configuration and post comments with your name.

Victoria Volkswagen Club: Forums

VVWC :: View topic - Tool Definitions
 Forum FAQForum FAQ   SearchSearch   UsergroupsUsergroups   ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 

Tool Definitions

 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    VVWC Forum Index -> The Pub
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
panel
Turbo
Turbo


Joined: Oct 28, 2003
Posts: 3016
Location: Victoria B.C. Canada

PostPosted: Wed Oct 30, 2013 8:38 am    Post subject: Tool Definitions Reply with quote

TOOL DEFINITIONS:

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest
and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted part
which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to
it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints
and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you
to say, ''What the...''

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation
of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the
conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing grease out of.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper..

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile
upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters gained from using a 2X4
to try to lift an automobile off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another
hydraulic floor jack.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any
known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any
possible future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to
cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into
the trash can after you cut on the inside edge of the line instead of
the outside.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength
of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing
oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip
out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic
bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic
parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while
wearing them.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon,
Oxfordshire and rounds them off.

****** TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
while yelling ''******'' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most
often, the next tool that you will need.

_________________
Built by Germans powered by Japanese and brought together by Canadians
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website
julia
Newbie
Newbie


Joined: Nov 26, 2011
Posts: 13

PostPosted: Wed Oct 30, 2013 11:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

hilarious! I have definitely employed almost every technique in the list
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
74super
VVWC Guru
VVWC Guru


Joined: Sep 13, 2007
Posts: 632
Location: Victoria

PostPosted: Wed Oct 30, 2013 5:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Awesome. Cool
_________________
Cornel/Amsoil Independent Dealer
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
haywirebutton
VVWC Guru
VVWC Guru


Joined: Sep 17, 2011
Posts: 358

PostPosted: Wed Oct 30, 2013 9:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

MICROMETER...A precision tool made for measuring objects in increments of one thousand of an inch. In emergency situations it can double as a "C" clamp.
CRESCENT WRENCH: Adjustable wrench used in place of proper tool.
Generally rounds off bolts slower than pliers, but with same effect. Also used as hammering device, usually on concrete followed by loud cursing. 12MM WRENCH: A tool that comes in handy when you need to weld a brace between the positive terminal on your alternator and the engine block, when you forget to disconnect the battery.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
OldSkoolSteve
Postaholic
Postaholic


Joined: Feb 05, 2006
Posts: 1134
Location: WestShore

PostPosted: Thu Oct 31, 2013 6:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

All of the above are also hammers.
_________________
85 Westfalia- Subaru conversion in progress
63 type 3- hoodride forever
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    VVWC Forum Index -> The Pub All times are GMT - 7 Hours
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


Powered by phpBB © 2001 phpBB Group

Version 2.0.6 of PHP-Nuke Port by Tom Nitzschner © 2002 www.toms-home.com




All logos and trademarks in this site are property of their respective owner. The forum posts are property of their posters, all the rest © 2003 by The Victoria Volkswagen Club.

PHP-Nuke Copyright © 2005 by Francisco Burzi. This is free software, and you may redistribute it under the GPL. PHP-Nuke comes with absolutely no warranty, for details, see the license.
Page Generation: 0.26 Seconds